New Direction

Well, sorta. My boyfriend and I started talking about movies last night, and he was shocked at the amount of movies I've never seen. We started writing down a list of the movies I must watch, and then when we got stuck we took it out to his roommates to add to. This morning, I opened up suggestions to Facebook, and am now up to a staggering 92 movies I MUST see. After I watch each one, I shall critique them here. I know, you're thrilled, right? ;)

Ok, starting with a movie NO ONE should ever watch: The Telling. I saw parts of it on the Girls Next Door, (since it's produced by and starring 2 of Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriends) so needless to say I wasn't really expecting much. I was hoping that, like Manos Hands of Fate, it would be so dreadfully awful it would be amazing. It's a movie about a sorority of stuck up plastics whose rush the previous year resulted in a death. Therefore this year, in order to comply with the Dean's orders, their rush is focusing on what's INSIDE a person ("Whatever THAT means."). Evidently, the best way to find out what's on the inside is to have each of the final 3 pledges tell a scary story. The first one wasn't too terrible, minus the dreadful acting and complete lack of suspense. And let's face it, a demon doll who kills girls isn't exactly original (though death via wet doll by the power strip is!). The second story was a tad confusing. It involved an "aging" actress (she's 30, though I guess to a Playboy Bunny that's ANCIENT) who took the last role on earth: the star in a horror movie produced by a Transylvanian filmmaker. She drinks absynth and has some bizarre dreams involving being chased and molested by a topless Asian girl. Afterwards, she wakes up to find an invitation to a pre-filming dinner on her bed, and goes down to find everyone in masks. There is then a montage of early 20th century torture films playing to a soundtrack of....modern day rock? Makes sense. It is then you find out that everyone at the table is undead (you were expecting vampire, weren'tcha?), and now she must become one of them. Yep.

The third story was by far the most ridiculous of the three. 3 self-absorbed girls make a prank call and then hear someone being murdered over the phone. They start receiving creepy calls threatening their lives. They call the cops. They suspect the cop of being the killer. One by one, the girls die. For some reason there's a cable guy. The last girl standing shoots the cop with his own gun, and then is killed by the true murderer. There's a number of issues I had with this story, besides the terrible acting and gratuitous cursing left and right. 1) WHY is the cable guy present? To add another "suspect"? And why does he steal panties? 2) The cop's gun is a revolver. A REVOLVER. My grandmother carries a Glock, but this cop carries a revolver. Right. 3) Seriously, who dies from a scissor stab to the back of the shoulder? 4) What cop in his right mind pops his head through the window when he knows there's 3 girls inside who have been getting "I'ma kill you" phone calls? 5) A drill? Really? You're gonna DRILL me to death?

After all the stories are told, the sorority girls start grabbing their stomachs and coughing, since it turns out the last storyteller poisoned them all to avenge the death of her half sister the year before (shocking!). I think the line of the movie that best shows what kind of experience you're in for is uttered by a sorority girl as she lies on the floor, moments from death, poison coursing through her veins: "We may be dead, but you'll still be a loser."

I may be a loser, but at least I didn't act in this movie.